Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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