Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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