When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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