i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
