i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
