they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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