Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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