I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
There are leaves in my underwear?
Randomize