my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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