So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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