i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize