wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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