uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
