I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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