my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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