Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you donโt have to recycle anymore ๐๐
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize