Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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