Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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