Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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