Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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