This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Randomize
