I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
