I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
