There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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