I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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