They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
