I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Where is the hickey?
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
