I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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