Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
