New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
