If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Randomize
