splinters make it hard to masturbate
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
