the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Randomize
