whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
false alarm. still invincible.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
