I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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