Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
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