Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
