he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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