thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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