I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
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