This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
