I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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