There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
