I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
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