nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
