What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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