Please, let me fuck your mom
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Randomize
