Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize