I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
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