everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
