what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
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