the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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