Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
