Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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