I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
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