There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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