new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
