Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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