Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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