Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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