I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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