yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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