Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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