Four minutes until I can fart!
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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