god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
