I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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